Apparently I fail at blogging.

So, maybe this whole blogging thing wasn't the best thing for me. I obviously am not dedicated, or at least as much as other people. Yeah, it's fun and everything. But let's face it: I'm just an average 19ish year old girl that likes to spew emotion through articulations. I am warning you. This is probably considered a huuuuge pity party in like, 12 different english-speaking countries. And if it could/can be translated, probably even more than that. Oh well, if you're still reading this, then I suppose you're game. Here goes:

I watched Zoolander the other day. It's really a great movie... Stupid, but great. I thoroughly recommend it. Anyway, as I'm sitting in my friend Casey's house, and we're watching this movie, I can't help but thinking to myself.. when the main character (a male model for those who have never seen it) says, "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" This really sparked a thought.. Now, I'm not necessarily talking about being good looking, but to a male model, that's what matters. Like, if I were to phrase that, it would be, have you ever wondered if there was more to life than singing and playing guitar? or loving science? or helping people? Like, it's actually pretty profound when you think about it. There's gotta be more to this life. I've got to be missing something. I've got religion, don't try to tell me GOD IS THE WAY and then thump a bible on my head; i'll just punch you in the face. Trust me. I'm serious. And, I keep thinking to myself... What am I really good at? What is my passion? What the hell am I on earth for? Honestly, I think everyone has to go through this stage in his or her life, but seriously? at 19? really? I think about everything that I am good at, and then I go to show someone what I'm good at, and they end up saying, Oh, look at her, she's better at singing, or Look at him! he's so awesome at playing guitar! Oh that girl is the bessttt at soccer! Dude, i wish i could be like HIM. and I think, woah. No one ever says that about me. About anything. I mean, i'm not trying to say that I should be recognized by any means. I'd rather stay out of the spotlight for the most part. but still...

Tonight I went out with my friends to go to the movies. I had a great time, except for one little teensy weensy little thing. One of the guys I went with I really liked. Yep. Not afraid to admit it. Problem? yeah. He had no idea. and I wanted to tell him, i REALLY did, but whenever I'd go to tell him, he'd be like, soooooo.. suppp? to one of the other people I was with. Andddddd, when he wasn't, I lost my nerve. Silly me. Anyway. I was talking to him after the movie, and he really called me out on a lot of my problems. He said I'm dwelling on the past, and I need to not be so hard on myself. and another thing: I've got to "live with what I've got." I looked at him, and thought to myself. Shit. This kid is 2 years younger than I am... and he has major douchebag potential.. but damn, he's the first friend i've had that's actually sat me down and said that i need to fix things about myself. he's really the best friend i've ever had. or at least the best one that's walked into my life in a while.

I really believe that the things I have in life are fantastic, but I can't help but want to change everything. I feel like my life is full of regrets, bad decisions, and blame a lot of things from my childhood on myself that I know deep down weren't really my fault. Maybe I do need help. Maybe I should see someone. But all they're going to do is blame everything, every emotion, every fucked up feeling that I have all one one thing that happened a long time ago. And I know it's not that, so there's no point, right? Well. I don't know anymore. I just don't know. What I do know, is that at least now I have a way to vent. I can vent to you. I don't even know who you are, or if anyone reads this other than my mother. But. I know that some days I feel like this, pretty shitty and like the entire world is up to bat against me, but then there are amazing days that I wish would never end, because they're the days that make me feel human. Or, maybe it's the shadow that proves the sunshine. It's because of the days like today that I can really appreciate the days that are absolutely amazing. Switchfoot was right. The shadow really does prove the sunshine.

Ahh, see? I feel better already.

Well, I must get to bed.
At this point, it's almost 1 am,
and I have to work tomorrow.
Lovely.

I hope I haven't bored you with my diction...
I know it wasn't the best grammar and it kind of just appeared on the screen...

Aaaaannnyyyy way.
Goodnight. Erm. Goodmorning.
<3