The HOW TO: of the day. :)

Today's topic:

HOW TO: Decide if someone is worth being your friend:

1. They don't insult you.
2. They like the same things that you do.
3. They dislike the same things that you do.
4. They understand where you're coming from on a situation.
5. If they by chance don't understand, they care enough to WANT to understand, and ask you to explain again and again until they do.
6. They want to spend time with you.
7. They let you have time to spend with your other friends.
8. They aren't too controlling.
9. They are willing to compromise on anything that you don't agree on.
10. They don't consciously pick fights with you.
11. They don't try to get you to change your mind about something by prying and prodding and pushing.
12. They can talk to you about nothing for as long as you want them to.
13. They know you. Like, REALLY know you.
14. They'd practically take a bullet for you.
15. They accept you for who you are, all of your faults, imperfections, mistakes and achievements, not because of what your name is, or what you've done, but the kind of person life has made you.

My roommate, and new-found best friend, fits into all these categories. I'm so happy that I met her, and I know that my college life won't be so scary, because she feels the same way that I do about almost everything. She's a great person, and already, she's helped me get through quite a bit. I'm really not scared for Elizabethtown, and I really hope she isn't either. It's gonna be a great year.


<3

songs can be an inspiration.

You know that song, scars by papa roach? well, the lyrics are "i tear my heart open, i sew myself shut, and my weakness is that I care too much. My scars remind me that the past is real; I tear my heart open just to feel."

This is me. I care about people way too much, and i care what people think way too much. I have self esteem problems because i'm by no means perfect, and i don't know how to fix it. but really, how is that any different than the classic lower class girl going to a private college next year? I'm terrified. I mean, I broke up with my boyfriend a bit ago, and I still ask myself, Hmmm, maybe I should call him to see how he's doing. But, then I realize. if i were to call him, he'd think OMG IT'S MICHELLE WOOOOOOOT. and i wouldn't want to lead him on. I wonder if he's really broken up about it, or if he was actually just like, "ohh, i expected this, and i was gonna do it before you went to college anyway" like he said. I didn't want to lose him as a friend, but i guess friendships just don't work after relationships. And, that's not the first time i'd experienced that, either. i'm done with dating friends. maybe being just friends is better anyway..

I really don't understand guys. at all. Like, okay here's a simple illustration. I've heard many guys say that being a slut isn't attractive, but at the same time, i know guys that have broken up with girls because they don't want to have sex. Is there really a middle ground? and how the hell do you explain that? like, OH, one time with one guy is okay... but any more than that isn't. and if you do, then you're a slut and no one likes you. suuure. whatever. I just don't get it. Honestly, i don't think i ever will.

Anyway. my original point to this post. Is there anything wrong with caring too much? with worrrying about what your ex feels like after you break up with them? i mean, i would much rather have someone break up with me. that way, i know they're happier with someone else, and i can get over it easier. but, if i break up with them... then i never know. and. it realy hurts.. :-\

UGh. i hate this part.

Apparently I fail at blogging.

So, maybe this whole blogging thing wasn't the best thing for me. I obviously am not dedicated, or at least as much as other people. Yeah, it's fun and everything. But let's face it: I'm just an average 19ish year old girl that likes to spew emotion through articulations. I am warning you. This is probably considered a huuuuge pity party in like, 12 different english-speaking countries. And if it could/can be translated, probably even more than that. Oh well, if you're still reading this, then I suppose you're game. Here goes:

I watched Zoolander the other day. It's really a great movie... Stupid, but great. I thoroughly recommend it. Anyway, as I'm sitting in my friend Casey's house, and we're watching this movie, I can't help but thinking to myself.. when the main character (a male model for those who have never seen it) says, "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" This really sparked a thought.. Now, I'm not necessarily talking about being good looking, but to a male model, that's what matters. Like, if I were to phrase that, it would be, have you ever wondered if there was more to life than singing and playing guitar? or loving science? or helping people? Like, it's actually pretty profound when you think about it. There's gotta be more to this life. I've got to be missing something. I've got religion, don't try to tell me GOD IS THE WAY and then thump a bible on my head; i'll just punch you in the face. Trust me. I'm serious. And, I keep thinking to myself... What am I really good at? What is my passion? What the hell am I on earth for? Honestly, I think everyone has to go through this stage in his or her life, but seriously? at 19? really? I think about everything that I am good at, and then I go to show someone what I'm good at, and they end up saying, Oh, look at her, she's better at singing, or Look at him! he's so awesome at playing guitar! Oh that girl is the bessttt at soccer! Dude, i wish i could be like HIM. and I think, woah. No one ever says that about me. About anything. I mean, i'm not trying to say that I should be recognized by any means. I'd rather stay out of the spotlight for the most part. but still...

Tonight I went out with my friends to go to the movies. I had a great time, except for one little teensy weensy little thing. One of the guys I went with I really liked. Yep. Not afraid to admit it. Problem? yeah. He had no idea. and I wanted to tell him, i REALLY did, but whenever I'd go to tell him, he'd be like, soooooo.. suppp? to one of the other people I was with. Andddddd, when he wasn't, I lost my nerve. Silly me. Anyway. I was talking to him after the movie, and he really called me out on a lot of my problems. He said I'm dwelling on the past, and I need to not be so hard on myself. and another thing: I've got to "live with what I've got." I looked at him, and thought to myself. Shit. This kid is 2 years younger than I am... and he has major douchebag potential.. but damn, he's the first friend i've had that's actually sat me down and said that i need to fix things about myself. he's really the best friend i've ever had. or at least the best one that's walked into my life in a while.

I really believe that the things I have in life are fantastic, but I can't help but want to change everything. I feel like my life is full of regrets, bad decisions, and blame a lot of things from my childhood on myself that I know deep down weren't really my fault. Maybe I do need help. Maybe I should see someone. But all they're going to do is blame everything, every emotion, every fucked up feeling that I have all one one thing that happened a long time ago. And I know it's not that, so there's no point, right? Well. I don't know anymore. I just don't know. What I do know, is that at least now I have a way to vent. I can vent to you. I don't even know who you are, or if anyone reads this other than my mother. But. I know that some days I feel like this, pretty shitty and like the entire world is up to bat against me, but then there are amazing days that I wish would never end, because they're the days that make me feel human. Or, maybe it's the shadow that proves the sunshine. It's because of the days like today that I can really appreciate the days that are absolutely amazing. Switchfoot was right. The shadow really does prove the sunshine.

Ahh, see? I feel better already.

Well, I must get to bed.
At this point, it's almost 1 am,
and I have to work tomorrow.
Lovely.

I hope I haven't bored you with my diction...
I know it wasn't the best grammar and it kind of just appeared on the screen...

Aaaaannnyyyy way.
Goodnight. Erm. Goodmorning.
<3

Velcro is an awesome name for a cat.

So, today I worked a double at movie gallery. It was hell. Not even lying. I probably sat for maybe... 45 minutes out of the entire 13 hours I worked, (well, 12 technically, I had an hour break during which I sat.) and it was like, absolutely crazy in there. I had about $1100 in sales in my drawer alone, and over $3000 today in the store. It was absolutely fantastic. I really wish movie gallery would've been this busy beforeeee we started filing for bankruptcy and such. I also bought movies. lots of them. They were so cheap!! Keri (my roommate next year) and I will be stocked full of movies for the winter when we have all of our stuff done and don't want to venture out into the cold. It'll be grand.

I'm so pumped. Tomorrow marks the first day of house-sitting for friends. I basically get to stay in a huuuge house with 2 big dogs, 2 cats and 2 horses outside. It's pretty much my dream house, too. :) What's even better, Mrs. P is filling the fridge with lots of fruit and veggies and other healthy food like YOGURT and such that i can eat. :D yayy! Then, Friday is my orientation at college! I'm really psyched for taht too. Then, i get to come back and house-sit some moree. the next week is creation, and i'm dead-set on my switchfoot autographs. :D

Oh, and to explain my title. My boyfriend has a cat. It's name is Velcro. I think it's awesome. :)

<3

So.. Let's play catch-up.

So...I have a confession.

I kinda sorta forgot I started a blog. :(

I mean, it's not imperative to my life... and I was wondering why I was spending so much time on facebook after 11... (that's when I usually write all my blog postings) Well. That's the reason I haven't posted in almost a week and a half. I forgot my blog existed. And it's not like I haven't heard the word blog.... I READ MY MOTHER'S LATEST NAIL BLOG POST FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I helped her put a translator on it because some lady in France reads her blog and she was trying to be nice and translate it for her. (She's such a nice lady, my mom.)

Anyway. Recent happenings?

Well. Let's start with the boy. My boyfriend is... well. I really don't know how to describe it. He's living in Oklahoma with his mom and step dad right now (about a 30 hour drive from me) and he went to Arkansas about 3 days after he got to Oklahoma for a family reunion. While he was there, he was almost bitten by an Agkistrodon piscivorus, or better known as a Water Moccasin, Cottonmouth, or Copperhead. Yeah. Not good news to hear over the phone. Especially when you actually hear "Hey hun, i was --- bit by a water moccasin." His phone cut out while he was telling me, and i didn't hear the oh-so-crucial word "almost." Luckily, he wasn't, and I freaked out for no reason. Next, I was with my brother, and I texted him for the fun of it. I don't have texting on my phone, but my brother has unlimited to anyone. fun stuff. :D anyway. He texted back, and he was like, Sooo... I hit a truck while I was on the bike today. I freaked out. I was like, omg are you okay?!? Let's just clear things up a bit. I'm in the middle of nowhere PA. He's in the middle of nowhere OK with a motorcycle. I really think the boy should clarify things. He was riding around the house, and he hit the tire of a parked truck. Wow. I freaked out over nothing. Again. I'm finding out that this is happening a lot. I freak out over every little thing, simply because he's not here. I feel like a cheap imitation of some novel with this girl and that hot guy that everyone's crazy about. Or something like that. (for the record, in some pictures, my boyfriend even resembles robert pattinson.) He's going to hate me for that. Luckily, I don't think he knows I have a blog. Yet. And, I don't think now is the time to tell him either. x] I'm so evil.

Okay, in earlier posts, I wasn't really clear about the whole, brother/sister situation. Legitimately, I have one half sister, Sarah, and two step sisters, whom I do not talk to. Sarah is my father's second child, and she's nine years younger than me. She was born about 4 months after our father passed away. I love her to death, and she reminds me so much of me and Daddy, it's crazy. Brother, on the other hand, is a more complicated story. Zach is honestly just my really close friend. He practically resided at my house while my mom was really sick with stage 2 Hodgkin's Disease, and he helped me get through a lot of tough situations. He really does mean the world to me, and I'm not sure he knows that. I call him my brother because the bond between us is soo much more than just friends, it truly is like a sibling that I've had my entire life. I truly do love him. :) <3

I guess that's where i'll stop for today. i'd hate for the blog to be too long to read. ahhaa.

<3

The end to the weekend of epicness.

Graduation was amazing. Even though Michelle, Charly and I got up early, we didn't make it to the service.. :( Oh well, it was probably pretty boring anyway. I took lots of pictures which i can't upload to facebook because i don't know why. It's very frustrating. The guest speaker spoke for waaaaaaaayyyy too long, and they forgot to officially commence the class of 2010 by moving the tassels from one side to the other. and they didn't throw their caps. I found it lame, but hey. I'm at least dating a high school graduate now. x] after graduation, he went back to his apartment to find that the TL people had thrown away his stuff he'd left there... including the book i bought him for his graduation present and his 120GB zune. We weren't impressed. So, we went back to his grandparents house and spent some time with his family.

We then proceeded to go to walmart, spend a ton of money on PS3 things, and we got lost outside of Lebanon. How fun. x] Lost. In the dark. At midnight. In a town we weren't familiar with. It was great. When we finally got back to his grandparents house, it was like, 1 AM. His phone was dead. Mine was in the house. And we were locked out. So, we broke in, so to speak, through the basement. thennn proceeded to fall asleep.

The next morning, we all got up, had an amazing breakfast, and started to get around to run errands. Kyle and I managed to do everything except go to the bank... but we did a bit of dumpster diving, and found his clothes and book and zune. :) yayy! We then met up with Michelle, Charly, Sierra, and Dean (his family) at HERSHEY PARK!!! :D It was so much fun, and Dean is just adorable.

This is Dean.

His hair was wet.

So. I gave him a mohawk.

He loved it.

My hero?

I think so.

So, we went back to Kyle's grandparents after our looong day at Hershey Park, and crashed. The next morning, I was up by 6 packing. by 9:30, i was FINALLY on the road, about a half our behind schedule. I forgot a bunch of stuff which Mam (Kyle's grandmother) is currently mailing me) and I forgot to print out directions to get back home. So, i used basic route numbers from my directions to get down there, and ended up finding a route that cut about a half hour off of my driving time! it was excellent. I got home, and I felt awful. I don't know if it was stress, or if i ate something bad when i got home, but i was sicker than a dog. Sick for a whole week. Probably part of the reason why I haven't posted this until now. It was awful.

Anyway. That was the end of the weekend. It was so much fun. I really wish it would've never ended.

<3

Intermediate Posts Make Me Happy.

So, this is basically just a post to let everyone know what's going on. :)


Prom. Was. Awesome. Yes, the DJ did suck. Royally. Buuuut. The hotel (where it was held) was absolutely amazing!!! according to Kyle, they paid mucho dinero just for the blueprints. and by mucho dinero, i'm talking like, 500,000 just for the BLUEPRINTS. yeah. That epic. So, he and I just walked around the gardens and fountains outside and looked at the sky. very romantic, right? :) it was amazing. i didn't do much dancing, most of it was rap. and i hate rap. I mean, there are some songs i can listen to, but most of them are incredibly hard to dance to and it's just like, sdlfasdfasida. what is going on here. why is it so slow. or some other complaint of the sort. I had a great time, and it was nice to be able to wear my dress again. soooo pretty! :D I got my hair done at 8:30 that morning, drove three hours south to his grandparents house, met his step-dad, mom, little sister, and little brother, as well as his grandparents, before i even saw him. Excellent. it was really fun, his little brother is absolutely adorable, but he is indeed a six year old boy that never stops moving. very hyper, very active, very in need of a chill pill. and i thought i was hyper at that age. to all parents out there--- props to you for not killing your children when they're between the ages of 4-10. and, again when they're 14-18. I know my teenage years weren't THAT bad, but i know i was pretty hard to deal with. haha. <3 you mother. :D SOOO. After we went to the school to take kyle his tux, i got to ride to the hotel with his mother because the trolley ride was for MHS students only. Which i am not one. Great job, MHS, way to make me feel awesome about myself. x[ Michelle (ALSO KYLE'S MOTHER'S NAME) took lots of pictures and Kyle will probably have them on facebook soon. TO all my facebook friends-- I'd love to post pictures of MHS prom, but facebook's being dumb, and i'd rather just wait until i get home to do it on Google Chrome, because the Laptop I have to use only has internet explorer. bleh. but hey, at least it's better than nothing, right? :)

So, today was the day to chill out. After prom, Kyle's sister, Sierra, Kyle's brother Dean and I all watched SpyKids in the room i'm staying in. by the time it was over, it was pretty much 2am. Dean slept with me, (keep in mind, he's 6 and will sleep in a bed with anyone in the family, which apparently I am included in now) and Sierra slept on the couch. My biological clock woke me at 5:45. (i know mom, it's awful, i can't wake up like that when i need to) I pushed myself to go back to sleep and woke up 15 minutes later. SO i got up, got a shower, etc. went to read my book Siddartha, and fell back asleep after reading the first chapter. Then, I got up when everyone else started waking up, around 7. Michelle and I went to the store around 8:30, i suppose, and I bought the BEST donut ever. They really rivaled krispy kremes. Michelle made whole wheat pancakes with syrup and sausage. It was actually pretty decent, i wasn't too keen on the pancakes, but it was different, so i'm not sure if i just wasn't used to it... anyway. We then went and picked up kyle and all of his stuff out of his apartment at his school. (He goes to a boarding school, lives in the Transitional Living, wich is basically just apartments in a huge house, all the same gender per house.) we came home, did a bunch of stuff here, and finally convinced kyle just to take a shower and go take a nap. He had gone to the MHS Students-Only afterparty (i wasn't invited. of course.) and hadn't slept at all. I fell asleep as well, as I didn't get much sleep either. We woke up, got dinner, sorted through all kyle's stuff, figuring out what he wanted and what he didn't. it rained. and it rained hard. Luckily, we got everything inside before we got dumped on. haha. the rest of the day was just spent around the house doing odd things, getting ready for tomorrow, his graduation.

I'm getting up early tomorrow with Michelle so I can GO TO CHURCH. FINALLY. before Kyle's graduation. I'm really excited for him, and I'm excited that I get to go to the ceremony too! I'll have some pictures up as soon as I can.

<3